Life Suspended

Am I a bad patient? A bad parent? This feels awful. I have never been admitted to a hospital before, so I have no idea if this is all de rigueur or not.


Bed Rest Day 11 - I feel chained to this bed. I am constantly on three monitors. One rings when my heart rate speeds up (Do you know how pregnancy works? That thing is always going off.). I have this horrible compression torture device on my legs that just makes more wires connecting me to this soft, pillowy prison.

And the contractions. Oh, the contractions! Every 20 minutes for almost two weeks now. The little contractions in between are practically constant. It's like I'm in perpetual early labor.

Now the loneliness. It's so frustratingly lonely here. The nurses are nice and become friendly acquaintances. Some come in and offer hugs and polite kisses on the cheek and chat about my latest virtual party (of which there have been two). As for those parties, no one really knows that talking and laughing brings on painful back to back contractions. I'm just smiling through the pain on camera and mute myself during the aforementioned ringing. I try not to cry in between video calls. Crying brings labor size contractions and labor size contractions bring hordes of nurses.

So I count all the lost family moments. I won't ever get to celebrate my brother's 24th birthday with him, nor my sister for her 17th. I won't ever get to say goodbye to our family dog, Chewy. I won't ever get a traditional baby shower. I won't ever see my sister-in-law get married. I am missing out on decorating the baby's nursery. And that's just the past week and a half. Everyone keeps reminding me that this will all be worth it. Deep down I know this is true. But it all still gets tallied in my mind.

I like to think it would be hard on anyone. That I'm not some horrible parent already. One that can't sacrifice a little for the wellbeing of their child. I know I have it easy compared to other women on bed rest, I only have a three week sentence to complete. There is an end.

So as of now, I am trying to shake off the resentment and mentally prepare to return to my suspended life that was relatively unprepared for a newborn with trying to adjust to new life as a new mother.

Sorry for the sneak attack vent.